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They can't even tell me why I am the way that I am. I even sought out help from psychologists and they declined to treat me (later found out they don't accept pedophile patients unless they are sex offenders). I refuse to live my life as a hermit because I was born this way. I wish I could 'fix' myself or could do more to change my situation but I can't. When my boys become college-aged, I want them to remember back at the times when they were 7-12 and we cuddled together and how good it felt and how fun it was. For me, leaving behind memories of affection is the most important thing. I will not rape a kid but I will not turn a boy away if he wants to cuddle with me either. Really what I wanted to say is that even though I am attracted to boys, I have my boundaries. I think some are more disciplined than others. It takes one to know one and there are many of us out there. The mothers adore him and would never think he was a pedophile. For example, I know this one guy who is very friendly to mothers with young girls. They want to believe and feel what makes them feel safe and good. They think they know me better than I know myself but they do not. I do feel like I am living a lie and the general population is ignorant about pedophilia. However, I am very attracted to boys that I don't really know or other men who loves boys too.
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I almost see him as my own kid and that kills the attraction. I have not acted out on my attractions because once I get to know a boy personally, I am not attracted to him anymore. For reasons outside of being a pedophile, I started working with boys. While I continue to jumpstart my career, I have found limited job opportunities. I am neither attracted to men nor women just boys. For the longest time, I thought I was gay which was weird because I had a few same-sex experiences and did not enjoy it.
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I think that is why it took me so long to realize that I am a pedophile. I never acted on my attraction because I was never around boys. Ever since I was 12, I knew I had an attraction to boys ages 7-12.
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